You're not in control. Deal with it.
When it comes to dating, I’ve never been too good at discerning which doubts to consider seriously and which to ignore. Owing it to my teenage boyfriends who changed me from a fun-loving QT pie to an insecure fruitcake by cheating on me repeatedly throughout our relationships, I sailed forth into adulthood with my self-worth and self-respect misplaced, convinced that having a huge amount of doubt and putting up with it was what it meant to be in lurrrrve. News to no one: it’s not.
Friends, logic and reason suggested I stay far away from the three D’s: drugs, drama and dicks. But as someone who is crushed and then oddly energized and motivated by failure, I swore off French fries, ice cream sundaes and spaghetti Bolognese instead.
Admittedly, I did go through a period of darkness and cynicism, but it wasn’t long before I bounced right back to seeking validation from all the wrong people and places. Too busy to own up to my insecurities, I never figured out how to eliminate them. In the end, I just dumped my baggage on the doorsteps of the boys I went on to date by projecting my fears and shortcomings onto them. Hindsight is 20/20.
Though something was definitely amiss, trusting other people was never a struggle for me. Now, now, hear me out!
I mean, I may have gotten mad at my bf for, I don’t know, blinking in a way that implied that he might be cheating on me? LOL. But the truth is, we’re all capable of betrayal and infidelity. And we’re all capable of monogamy. There is no genetic code, no telltale sign such as length of ring finger in relation to index finger, and definitely no particular alignment of planets or series of events that guarantees promiscuity or commitment. There are influencing factors, for sure. There are inclinations based on gender or personality, arguably. But there is no certain way to predict one hundo percent whether or not the person you’re boning is going to be faithful to you. There just isn’t. There’s just trust.
Coming to terms with this was especially hard for me, a control freak, who loses sleep over calculating the odds and trying to predict the future. Control is largely an illusion. You think you’re steering the wheel, but we all know who’s hand it is that’s really on the wheel – it’s Jesus, y’all! Jkjk. Life just likes to switch things up without giving much of a heads up. After several Mariah Carey cum Amanda Bynes style meltdowns, I brushed the dirt off my shoulder and resumed life with a new emphasis on adaptability and resilience.
Did this resolve whatever outstanding “trust issues” I harbored within my waifish frame? No.
The idea that we are mostly treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated led me to the realization that it wasn’t others that I had grown weary of. The only person I didn’t trust was myself.
The more people I encounter, the more I understand that trust has less to do with them and much more to do with my own person. Trust is a decision. It is a conscious choice I make every day, to invest in other human beings because I know that even if they pull the rug from under my feet, like artisan bread, I will rise.
I used to think trust was saying to someone, “I know you’ll never hurt me.” But all it actually is, “I know I can deal with the mess if shit hits the fan.” Whether or not we are able to trust others always comes back to how we feel about ourselves – it’s a reflection of what we believe we are capable of handling.
Friends, logic and reason suggested I stay far away from the three D’s: drugs, drama and dicks. But as someone who is crushed and then oddly energized and motivated by failure, I swore off French fries, ice cream sundaes and spaghetti Bolognese instead.
Admittedly, I did go through a period of darkness and cynicism, but it wasn’t long before I bounced right back to seeking validation from all the wrong people and places. Too busy to own up to my insecurities, I never figured out how to eliminate them. In the end, I just dumped my baggage on the doorsteps of the boys I went on to date by projecting my fears and shortcomings onto them. Hindsight is 20/20.
Though something was definitely amiss, trusting other people was never a struggle for me. Now, now, hear me out!
I mean, I may have gotten mad at my bf for, I don’t know, blinking in a way that implied that he might be cheating on me? LOL. But the truth is, we’re all capable of betrayal and infidelity. And we’re all capable of monogamy. There is no genetic code, no telltale sign such as length of ring finger in relation to index finger, and definitely no particular alignment of planets or series of events that guarantees promiscuity or commitment. There are influencing factors, for sure. There are inclinations based on gender or personality, arguably. But there is no certain way to predict one hundo percent whether or not the person you’re boning is going to be faithful to you. There just isn’t. There’s just trust.
Coming to terms with this was especially hard for me, a control freak, who loses sleep over calculating the odds and trying to predict the future. Control is largely an illusion. You think you’re steering the wheel, but we all know who’s hand it is that’s really on the wheel – it’s Jesus, y’all! Jkjk. Life just likes to switch things up without giving much of a heads up. After several Mariah Carey cum Amanda Bynes style meltdowns, I brushed the dirt off my shoulder and resumed life with a new emphasis on adaptability and resilience.
Did this resolve whatever outstanding “trust issues” I harbored within my waifish frame? No.
The idea that we are mostly treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated led me to the realization that it wasn’t others that I had grown weary of. The only person I didn’t trust was myself.
The more people I encounter, the more I understand that trust has less to do with them and much more to do with my own person. Trust is a decision. It is a conscious choice I make every day, to invest in other human beings because I know that even if they pull the rug from under my feet, like artisan bread, I will rise.
I used to think trust was saying to someone, “I know you’ll never hurt me.” But all it actually is, “I know I can deal with the mess if shit hits the fan.” Whether or not we are able to trust others always comes back to how we feel about ourselves – it’s a reflection of what we believe we are capable of handling.
